AUTOGRAPHS

Why Men Never Get Rid Of Stuff

There’s a real mystery to men and stuff and why they hold on to it that will probably keep archaeologists scratching their heads for the next two millennia. It’s probably fairly certain that the average man will collect more stuff and hold onto it then any other creature that’s ever evolved on this planet. Men and boys and their toys only differ by how much of it they have, it would seem.

One good example of this is to think about a man and an object he particularly treasures. Maybe it’s a ski helmet that he used one time back when Gerald Ford was running things. He probably ended up hated skiing that day but that helmet is proof that he once skied, so expect to find it on his mantle well into his 80s. It’s kind of a badge of honor, in truth.

Most likely, the helmet will turn up in a museum collection on some off-world planet after we finally figure out that hyperdrive or warp drive thingy that all the science fiction movies tell us is just around the corner. It’ll probably be just as dusty and unused then as it is today and as it was over 30 years ago, but it’s a way for man to connect with his past, most would say.

Another good example is that old black sport watch that broke back during the first Clinton administration and was never repaired. Sure, there are probably more than a few memories attached to that watch but you’d think a man would either pay the money to get it fixed or just throw it out. Maybe the psychic vibes of all those good times emanate from it in the dark of night to comfort his dreams. Yes, that might be it.

Usually, women who have experience with boys and men understand that this sort of pack rat behavior has some type of visceral significance to most men. Perhaps it’s because men have something in their DNA that almost makes it impossible for them to throw away an object that most women wouldn’t even consider keeping in the same county, let alone household.

Maybe when he was a boy, and he went to his favorite baseball team’s ball game and got one of those souvenir helmets with the little Oriole on the front of it, that it had some relevancy. After all, there was many a day that that the helmet graced his little noggin, though the little bird is long gone and there’s a crack running alongside from when that little black helmet was hit with a baseball just a bit too hard during a sandlot game. Again, that helmet’s not going anywhere, either.

All of the ways in which men collect stuff and then refuse to ever let it go just helps to highlight why they truly are our cultural documentarians. Chances are, in 10,000 years, anthropologists and archaeologists will only need to look at one man’s basement to learn everything they ever wanted to know about men and and their love of stuff.

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